Finally, the country is heading towards the space age! Unlike NASA who spent billions of dollars sending a monkey to space before Neil Armstrong landed on the Moon, we as typical Malaysian BOUGHT our way to space! Well, there’s no point re-inventing the wheel, isn’t it. If the Russians are on their way to space, we’ll just hitch a ride with them. After all, Dennis Tito bought himself a ticket to space too.
With our seemingly limitless ambition and “Malaysia boleh” attitude, it’s only normal for us to have such ambitious dream. Having already built the world’s second tallest building (Damn those Taiwanese!!), scaled our way to the highest peak, swam across the English Channel, having more sex in a year compare to our neighbour (Malaysia:83, Singapore: 73, Japanese:45), what else is there that we can’t achieve?!
When the Science and Technology Minister announced that the country will put a Malaysian on the moon by 2020, a sudden sense of pride overwhelms me! With a walloping $25 million price tag, who cares about the homeless in this country! Who cares about the need for better medical facilities! Who cares about funding for deplorable schools! Planting our “Jalur Gemilang” next to the American flag on the moon is national interest! Since every Malaysian taxpayer is contributing $25 million for the Space Programme, I think we deserve to give our two-cents worth of opinion.
I’ve often wondered what’s in store for the Malaysian Space Programme. From what I read through the news, it sounds pretty interesting. For a start, only 12 out of 31 of the overly-ambitious-astronaut-wannabe manage to complete the preliminary physical test. Apparently, we’re just to darn fat! So for those who intend to go to the moon one day, Nasi Lemak is a definite NO NO! Nevertheless, we’re much closer in achieving our dream! Only eight are left in the space race, and in April the PM will announce the names of the two successful candidates.
There’re plenty of issues that needs to be sort out before we hit orbit. For a start, if a Muslim were selected, how is he going to perform his prayers? With zero gravity, he’ll probably be floating around unable to perform his Godly duty in peace. As a matter of fact, which direction is east?! With a speed of 8000 m/s in orbit, will he be able to maintain his direction during prayers? Also, with the majority of our countrymen having their pee-pee circumcised, will there be any permanent damage to their penis at zero gravity? Has NASA conducted any research on “the effects of zero gravity on circumcised penis”?
There’s also the question of correct terminology for a Malaysian spacemen. The Americans have their astronaut, the Russians have their cosmonauts and recently with China emerging as a space explorer country, there’re Taiko-naut now. So what about us? Are we going to merely use the term “Angkasawan”? Or is it going to be “Angkasa-naut?”
As part of the Space Programme, the country announced a project to put Malaysia’s favourite foods into space. A team was sent to Houston to find out the viability of having teh tarik, roti canai and nasi lemak in space. Verdict: all were considered too fatty for spacefood! And Roti canai, due to its flakiness may even break up and cause damage to the space ship. Well, I see our tax payers’ money was well spent! Talk about food here, what about durians then? Has it been approved to be space worthy? Then again, the pong may create a false gas leak alarm. Not to mention the fear it may create among the Russian cosmonauts when they see a thorny fruit floating around their cockpit, dangerously closing in on their fragile space suits.
Russian Cosmonaut: “Na huy...? Otyebis ot menya!” (Why the fuck...? Get the fuck away from me! – www.insultmonger.com)
Probably the local film industry could make a movie about space adventures! Now that would be cool, isn’t it! Imagine having Amber Chia piloting an X-Wing fighter, or M. Nasir brandishing a keris-saber, and Patrick Teoh with his superb voice, can be Darth Vader! Maybe instead of a movie, why not have something like a Star Trek series? We could have a localised opening monologue:
“Angkasa, sempadan terakhir. Inilah kisah perjalanan kapal angkasa Rajawali. Misi lima tahunnya: Mengkaji dunia baru. Mencari makhluk baru and budaya baru. Berani menjelajah ke tempat yang belum ditemui!”**
Now that would put Hollywood to shame, man!
**(Original from Star Trek)
(Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her five year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before.)